Psalm of Job

I was very excited to see the daily readings from the book of Job a couple of weeks ago. To some, the book of Job may seem rather dismal and depressing...but to me it is a beautiful reminder.

It's been almost four years since I wrote Psalm of Job...a song that echoes the words of Job in the Old Testament. 

Thank you Lord when You give

 Praise You still when You take

Let all be for Your glory

May my life be a sacrifice of praise

Your will not mine, Your will not mine

You behold the ends of the earth and see all that is under the heavens

For the wisdom of God far surpasses that of man

You see my ways and You number my steps

I know that You can do all things

and no purpose of Yours can be hindered

I have dealt with great things that I cannot understand

Things too wonderful for me, which I cannot know

When my soul does not have strength, blessed be the name of the Lord

When I cannot see the way, blessed be the name of the Lord

When You give and when You take, blessed be the name of the Lord

I've been "writing" songs since I was eight. You can ask my parents for an embarrassing litany of my childhood hits, including my debut with "My Dreams are Full of Violets". How am I not wildly famous already? :P

But joking aside, writing music has always been a very important expression of prayer for me. When my heart is happy, it sings. When my heart is struggling, I sing. And when I am faced by realities outside of my control...I sing. 

How Psalm of Job came to be written is a bit of a long story...but I'll sum it up quickly. I wrote the song during my first year of service with NET. Losing one teammate and gaining another caused my heart to cling to the words of Job: "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; Blessed be the name of the Lord." Throughout the remainder of my missionary year, the song grew in my heart until it was complete.

But I had no idea how much the Lord would use that song of my heart.

I've had the opportunity to share Psalm of Job with a number of people, and missionaries after me started to use it in their praise and worship. It's not an exaggeration at this point to say that hundreds of people have heard Psalm of Job. This summer I even had the opportunity to lead over a hundred people in worship during Adoration...and I was able to pray this song of my heart with them. 

That's pretty cool. It's actually REALLY cool. 

But I'm shocked at how much significance this song has to me, even now. In the quiet of my heart. In my daily experiences and interactions.

Because my life is BEAUTIFUL. My life is GOOD. I am blessed beyond measure. And yet, this little heart looks at a hurting world...and I need to hear those words again. I look at my own little crosses, and the much more painful crosses of others...and my heart cries these words. 

And I'm realizing the importance of praying these words at all times. In the joy, and in the pain. Because this is my mission statement: for my life to be a sacrifice of praise. Life is full of different seasons... and some will be harder than others. I want to be near to the Lord in every moment...not just when I am crushed beneath the weight of loss or pain or anxiety or turmoil. 

A few people caught this at my wedding, but one of the reasons I love Oh God Beyond All Praising SOOOO much is because it uses these very words: "We sing before Your beauty and glory in Your ways, and make a joyful duty our sacrifice of praise." 

Life is beautiful. Life is good. But that doesn't make my need to cling to Christ any less. 

When my soul does not have strength...

When I cannot see the way...

When You give and when You take...

blessed be the name of the Lord

Discernment and the Beautiful Right Now

Prayer has been very interesting lately.

And by "very interesting", I mean....not so particularly interesting.

I think for a long time I bought into the stereotype for Christians in their mid-twenties that prayer should be filled with discernment of God's will. Lord, where do you want me to go? What do you want me to do? How do you want me to make this decision? Now, it should be noted that learning how to discern God's will in my life was a necessary, painful, beautiful, and very necessary growing process for me the past several years. You don't do two years of missionary work, up and move your life to a new city, get married, and up and move your life to ANOTHER new city on a whim. Or at least, you don't if you are ME.

But somewhere along the way of discernment, I think we can lose ourselves in the process to the point that discernment becomes our goal. At least, that's what I'm pretty sure I've done in the past. And now I'm (somewhat) settled where I am. I've found my vocation, I'm working a job that I love, and life is kind of settling into a beautifully normal routine...and it's weird to not be discerning something.

I came to that thought/realization this morning after my prayer time. Because the last couple of days I have started my prayer with a very simple, "Thank You, Lord". Simple, because nothing too extraordinary has happened. And yet, I find myself so incredibly grateful for the little moments of each day. Life with Ryan. Life in Ohio. New friends. New job. New routine. Discovering new passions. Building new dreams. Nothing extraordinary...and yet I find beauty in the ordinary and the simple.

I know that I am where I am supposed to be. And that is a gift. 

But that also catches me off guard, because I'm realizing I have this tendency...a sort of reflex that I've developed to look for "what's next". And I've started to fight it...because I don't want to know what's next.

There are decisions to be made. There are dreams to be built. There are goals to chase. 

But right now is good. Right now is beautiful.

As I write this, I remember the crazy-emotional girl who was riding in the car with her handsome, charming boyfriend...knowing (through some feminine intuition) that he was planning to propose to her in the near future. And as she sat there, watching the scenery flash by as they drove, she was excited and nervous...and maybe a smidge sad. Not because she didn't want to marry him (because she did!). But because those seven months they had dated were good. They were beautiful. And she didn't want to lose it.

That girl was me. That night as we drove I said, "Life is so good right now. But I know that life will change...and I know that it will be good. But I think I'll miss right now."

Yes, sometimes I talk like a character in a sappy novel. But I think that what I said that night holds true for me even now. And I'd like to think that Mrs. Me can learn something from Miss Me.

So for right now...for today...let me live in the moment. Let me rejoice in those little every day occurrences. Let me bask in the present. I'll do today's work, make today's decisions, enjoy today's moments...and I pray that I'll have the humility and the wisdom to let that be enough.

Because change is a part of life. Sooner or later, I'll have to discern something. And then I will :)

But...life is so good right now. And I know that life will change...and I know that it will be good. But I don't want to miss right now.

Dear Iowa

Wow, it's been a while. That whole "you-never-call-you-never-write" cliche is right on the nose. And, might I add, it's not you...it's me. 

I'll be honest, Iowa. I called you "the-place-where-I-live" for almost 20 years. I wasn't wildly fond of you. There were times I couldn't stand you. I'm still not quite sure how I ended up spending all of growing-up years an hour away from a Wal-Mart. 

It had been three years since I had last seen the house. Three years since I last stepped inside my home parish. Three years since I drove through town and lamented the fact that no one waits their turn at the four-way stop.
And then this summer, I got to drive through. I got to stop for just a quick minute and say hello. I wanted Ryan to see the place that had been such a huge part of my life. I wanted to drive him past the house where my sisters and I made home movies and biked laps around our old farmhouse. I wanted him to see my old parish. I wanted us to drive through tiny towns without stop lights.

It was weird. It was GOOD.

You see, since I've been gone, I've learned to appreciate you. As weird as it is...you played a huge role in my life, and I've come to recognize that. Without you, I wouldn't appreciate what I have now. Because now I live in a lively suburb with a great group of friends, fantastic restaurants, sights to see, and events to go to. This is exactly what I always pictured and hoped for, but it was hard to imagine it would ever become a reality when I lived next to a town whose movie theater had one screen and showed one movie once a day. 

Iowa...I got married. And not in the church where I was confirmed...where I worked...where I began to develop my relationship with the Lord. I did not get married in the church I always pictured I would. But you know what? I'm okay with that. Because, while it isn't what I pictured, my story is even more perfect than anything I ever thought or planned.

Iowa, since we drove though this summer, I've thought about you often. I think about all those people I knew in high school and wonder where they are and whats going on in their lives. I marvel at how much has changed since I lived there.

Iowa...I miss you. 

Spending the night was good. But let me tell you what, I don't think I could stay for much longer than that. Because life has taken me somewhere else. Love has led me down a different path. And I'm okay with that. In fact, I love it. I'm just also really REALLY grateful that I can look back and see all the good that you held for me.

As weird as it is...I'm grateful for you, Iowa.

Love, Catherine 

Our Wedding Day

O God beyond all praising, we worship you today
and sing the love amazing that songs cannot repay;
for we can only wonder at every gift you send,
at blessings without number and mercies without end...

Most of the time when you anticipate and imagine some big event, it's not quite how you picture it. Sure, its wonderful and memorable...but not quite how you picture it beforehand. 

But my wedding was exactly how I pictured it.

I woke up that morning, and I couldn't stop smiling. I showered and tried to eat breakfast. My bridesmaids started arriving, I couldn't stop smiling, and all I could say was "I'm getting married! I'm getting MARRIED today!" We laughed and listened to music and did our makeup and hair. I couldn't stop smiling.

It's funny how one day can go by so quickly, and yet have so many distinct memories. Taking pictures with my bridesmaids. Seeing my parents. Hearing our musicians practicing the songs that Ryan & I had so carefully and deliberately chosen for this day. Trying not to let the tears welling up in my eyes spill out (I'm always wary of the grand claims made by waterproof mascara)...tears of total and utter joy. 

And then, before I knew it, it was time to walk down the aisle. 

Ryan and the rest of the bridal party had walked down the aisle while our musicians played "How Great is Our God". I had chosen "Oh God Beyond All Praising" as my bridal march. I have known for YEARS that I wanted to walk down the aisle to that song. It is my absolute favorite hymn...those lyrics have a profound effect on my heart every time I hear them. Ryan and I wanted the first moments of our wedding Mass to make it abundantly clear WHO this celebration was focused on. 

we lift our hearts before you
and wait upon your word,
we honor and adore you,
our great and mighty Lord...

Seeing Ryan waiting for me at the end of that aisle was one of the happiest moments of my life. Actually, every single minute of our wedding Mass was one of the happiest moments of my life. I couldn't stop smiling. 

Every instant of that Mass is dear in my heart. It was beautiful in the truest sense of the word.

And in front of God and around 300 of our friends and family, Ryan and I spoke the vows that we had memorized months before. WE WERE MARRIED!

The whole rest of our wedding day was fantastic. Taking pictures. Talking with friends. Catching up with people who made incredible sacrifices to be there with us. Our first dance. So much laughter. Enveloped in the richness of the love and support being poured out on us. Memories I will treasure forever.

Then hear, O gracious Savior,
accept the love we bring,
that we who know your favor
may serve you as our king...

And yet, when I think of "our wedding"...I remember the Mass. I remember standing in front of that altar, staring into the eyes of the love of my life, and promising to be his wife. I remember receiving the Eucharist with tears in my eyes, soaking in the beauty of being Ryan's bride and celebrating as Christ's Bride, the Church. 

It was exactly as I pictured it. It was our wedding. And it was perfect.

...and whether our tomorrows
be filled with good or ill,
we'II triumph through our sorrows
and rise to bless you still...

Now we've been married for two months. Two short months, but it seems like so much longer...because it is just so RIGHT. Being Ryan's wife is the most beautiful privilege. Every day I'm still stunned that I am married to this incredible man!

We have no idea what the future holds, but this incredible adventure is our path to holiness. In good times and in bad. In sickness and in health. How humbling this call. 

...to marvel at your beauty
and glory in your ways,
and make a joyful duty
our sacrifice of praise.

Our sacrifice of praise. 

The Woman at the Well (Part 1)

This past Sunday was a pretty intense Gospel reading. Or at least it was for me. I can't stop thinking about it. 

Maybe its partially because it was a little longer than our typical Gospel readings, but that passage struck me as particularly RICH. 

I'm not going to claim any grand Scriptural knowledge or educational credentials, but I can say that this Gospel called me out. The woman at the well. We never even learn her name, but we come to understand her past more intimately than a lot of the people whom Jesus encounters in the Gospels. There was a lot that stood out to me from that passage, but primarily two different thoughts have been swirling in my brain since Sunday morning. For now I'll just focus on the first.

HOPE. I think its worth noting how surprised the disciples are to see Jesus talking to this Samaritan. WOMAN. Their shock indicates that this was far outside of the social norm. And Jesus didn't just accidentally end up in conversation with this woman. He sought her out.

Jesus didn't ask. He wasn't particularly polite. He said, "Give me a drink of water." And her response wasn't really all that cordial either. “How can you, a Jew, ask me, a Samaritan woman, for a drink?” But this is how Jesus draws her into conversation.

Jesus saw her thirst. Not her physical thirst for water, but the thirst of her soul for something more.  He didn't wait for her to ask...he went to her.

This woman was obviously a sinner. But Jesus sought her out. 

Here's the thing. I don't get the impression that Jesus sought this woman out because he had to. It wasn't begrudgingly that He drew her into conversation. When his disciples return and try to convince their Master to eat something, He replies, “I have food to eat of which you do not know...My food is to do the will of the one who sent me and to finish his work.”

In reaching out to satisfy the thirst of that woman's soul, Jesus was satisfying the Father's thirst for His children to return to Him. With tenderness and compassion, the Good Shepherd was calling back His lost sheep HOPE.

So often I am focused on bringing my needs before the Lord. Even though He knows them better than I do, I'm convicted of asking for those needs to be filled...of not taking God's goodness for granted. But there is something in the way that Christ reaches out to that woman at the well. Before she can call, He is there. Before she can ask, He answers her questions. Before she confesses, He knows her heart. She is undeserving, and yet she is the that the Messiah approaches.

The second reading from this past Sunday speaks to this unworthiness:

"Brothers and sisters:
Since we have been justified by faith, 
we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 
through whom we have gained access by faith 
to this grace in which we stand, 
and we boast in hope of the glory of God.
And hope does not disappoint, 
because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts 
through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
For Christ, while we were still helpless, 
died at the appointed time for the ungodly.
Indeed, only with difficulty does one die for a just person, 
though perhaps for a good person one might even find courage to die.
But God proves his love for usin that while we were still sinners Christ died for us."

(Romans 5:1-2., 5-8)

There is hope. There is hope for the one who has made mistakes...for the one who is still making mistakes. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 

I needed to be reminded of this very important fact...that our God is a Father who WANTS to give good gifts to His children.

"Before I could call, You were running to save me.

You have captured my heart, oh God."

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam,

Catherine

Dear Cincinnati...

Dear Cincinnati,

Hi there. I've never met you, but I hear we are going to be great friends. I just thought I'd write to introduce myself. After all, I'll be moving my whole life to your city in just three short months.

I think it still shocks my mother how much I love the city. After all, I grew up in a town where the closest Wal-Mart was an hour away. But I'm a city girl at heart.

I fell in love with Saint Paul, Minnesota more than six years ago, and I always hoped I'd live here. It was my dream, and I could barely believe it when that dream came true. God in all His goodness led me to the very place I had longed to be. But now (to quote the movie "Tangled")...now I have a new dream.

Cincinnati...YOU are my new dream.

It started slowly. You see, this past year I was busy falling in love with my soon-to-be-husband. And as I slowly started to build hopes and dreams of what our future would look like...you crept in. It was a maybe. It was a hypothetical. But...what if? 

I never used to like adventure. This adventurous side of me is fairly new. I'm not a big fan of change, and yet I'm currently planning a wedding and preparing to move to a city I've never been to before. So something obviously happened, huh? Yeah, I fell in love. I fell in love with Christ. And I told Him He could do whatever He wanted with me. I didn't quite realize what a can of worms I opened with that statement. What a crazy and hard and BEAUTIFUL can of worms.

Now its just two short weeks until I visit you for the first time. I'm SO excited! Because I know that God has an incredibly beautiful plan for for Ryan and I...and you are part of it, Cincinnati. I still love Saint Paul and I always will, but for now I know that we are being called somewhere new. And I know that it is going to be GOOD.

You are my new dream, Cincinnati. See you in two weeks. 

Love, 

Catherine

Getting Married & Moving to Ohio: The Thoughts of My Feminine Heart

It's been two months since I blogged. But its a Saturday morning, I slept in, I've been alone in my apartment for three hours and I'm starting to go crazy.

What better time for introspection and reflection?

A lot has happened in the past two months, and we are now four months away from Ryan and I's wedding. Since my last blog, Ryan and I were officially offered (and accepted) a position that will relocate us to Ohio in July. Roughly a month after we get married. I'm actually crazy excited about all of this. I never used to like adventure, but this year God has transformed my heart and given me a man to adventure with for the rest of my life.

But I'm human. And whats more, I'm a woman. So all of this spins around in my mind pretty much constantly. Choose bridesmaid dresses...look for apartments...flowers?...I wonder what froyo places they have in Ohio...how am I going to manage without having Julia as a roommate?...marriage prep...what the heck I'm getting MARRIED...wait a minute, I'm moving to OHIO?!...I'm hungry...

It's a lot of change. It's a lot of new. Ryan and I are knocking out three major life changes in the next three months: changing jobs, moving and getting married. And in a spirit of realism, people have been very quick to point out that this will not be easy. Heck, Ryan and I are going to work together every day, live in a new place where we don't know a whole lot of people (in a city I've never even been in) while figuring out this whole vocation called marriage. 

Yeah...it's going to be hard. I'll be the first person to admit that. And I would be terrified...except that I'm doing it with Ryan. 

I can't know for sure, because it hasn't happened yet. But my guess is that the weeks leading up to the wedding will be a tad nuts. Just picturing all the "to-do's" makes me want to hide under my bed until further notice. But when I picture that moment when I'll walk down the aisle and see my groom waiting for me...I suddenly have all the strength and courage I need for all the logistics that will lead to that day.

I've never been to the place that will be my home in six months. I don't even know what grocery stores and gas stations they have there! But when I start to worry and wonder I hear Ryan's voice in my head saying, "We're going to figure this out together." TOGETHER. As husband and wife we will pioneer in this new city, new job and yet-to-be-determined new home. 

You guys...I LOVE this man. But we wont be doing this on our own either. Because our God is faithful, and He has an incredible plan for us. A year ago Ryan and I weren't even dating yet. God knows what He's doing, and every day I'm learning to trust Him more.

Everyone wants to hear the details...what our wedding colors are, if I have my wedding dress, where we will live, when we'll come back to visit. It's exciting, and I'm so incredibly blessed to have so many people in my life who want to be a part of these exciting changes. But it's also the tiniest bit lonely. 

A few weeks ago (on a day that I was feeling very overwhelmed) someone looked me straight in the eyes and asked, "Catherine, what are you most EXCITED about in moving to Ohio?" and I almost started crying. Because she wanted to know how I felt about all this. She genuinely wanted to hear from my heart, and not from my to-do list. And THAT has been one of the biggest ways I have been cared for in all of this. By a fiance who knows when I need to set the details aside and just BE. By friends who ask how I'm doing and let me share in their lives, as chaotic as mine is.

I gave up "easy" when I decided to follow Christ. I jumped head  first into change and adventure when Ryan asked me to marry him and I said yes. I KNOW this is going to be challenging. 

But I'm excited. I can't wait. Because I'm not doing this alone. Because the best things in life aren't easy. And there is a ring on my finger and a song in my heart that daily reminds me how well I am loved. 

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam,
Catherine