Prayer has been very interesting lately.
And by "very interesting", I mean....not so particularly interesting.
I think for a long time I bought into the stereotype for Christians in their mid-twenties that prayer should be filled with discernment of God's will. Lord, where do you want me to go? What do you want me to do? How do you want me to make this decision? Now, it should be noted that learning how to discern God's will in my life was a necessary, painful, beautiful, and very necessary growing process for me the past several years. You don't do two years of missionary work, up and move your life to a new city, get married, and up and move your life to ANOTHER new city on a whim. Or at least, you don't if you are ME.
But somewhere along the way of discernment, I think we can lose ourselves in the process to the point that discernment becomes our goal. At least, that's what I'm pretty sure I've done in the past. And now I'm (somewhat) settled where I am. I've found my vocation, I'm working a job that I love, and life is kind of settling into a beautifully normal routine...and it's weird to not be discerning something.
I came to that thought/realization this morning after my prayer time. Because the last couple of days I have started my prayer with a very simple, "Thank You, Lord". Simple, because nothing too extraordinary has happened. And yet, I find myself so incredibly grateful for the little moments of each day. Life with Ryan. Life in Ohio. New friends. New job. New routine. Discovering new passions. Building new dreams. Nothing extraordinary...and yet I find beauty in the ordinary and the simple.
I know that I am where I am supposed to be. And that is a gift.
But that also catches me off guard, because I'm realizing I have this tendency...a sort of reflex that I've developed to look for "what's next". And I've started to fight it...because I don't want to know what's next.
There are decisions to be made. There are dreams to be built. There are goals to chase.
But right now is good. Right now is beautiful.
As I write this, I remember the crazy-emotional girl who was riding in the car with her handsome, charming boyfriend...knowing (through some feminine intuition) that he was planning to propose to her in the near future. And as she sat there, watching the scenery flash by as they drove, she was excited and nervous...and maybe a smidge sad. Not because she didn't want to marry him (because she did!). But because those seven months they had dated were good. They were beautiful. And she didn't want to lose it.
That girl was me. That night as we drove I said, "Life is so good right now. But I know that life will change...and I know that it will be good. But I think I'll miss right now."
Yes, sometimes I talk like a character in a sappy novel. But I think that what I said that night holds true for me even now. And I'd like to think that Mrs. Me can learn something from Miss Me.
So for right now...for today...let me live in the moment. Let me rejoice in those little every day occurrences. Let me bask in the present. I'll do today's work, make today's decisions, enjoy today's moments...and I pray that I'll have the humility and the wisdom to let that be enough.
Because change is a part of life. Sooner or later, I'll have to discern something. And then I will :)
But...life is so good right now. And I know that life will change...and I know that it will be good. But I don't want to miss right now.
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