Why I Want Lent to be Harder

LENT.

I love Lent. No, I'm not being facetious. I really do love Lent.

I LOVE black and white. Concrete parameters. Step by step instructions. Definitive directions. So I LOVE the particulars of Lent. Starting Ash Wednesday every year we enter into a very specific season in the life of the Church. With the "everyone's doing it" positive peer pressure of our fellow Catholics, it's "easy" to pick some sort of penance or self denial for these 40 days. I like the challenge. 

However.

I am TERRIBLE at Lent.

Why? Well, one, because I can be really internally whiny when I give things up. This year I'm giving up the snooze button and getting up right away when my alarm goes off. And even though I've done it (for the whole two days since Lent started *cue the golf clap*) you can bet that there is an internal monologue about how sad/cold/tired/miserable I am in those ten seconds it takes me to get out of bed. So...there's that. 

But also...I'm bad at Lent because I'm good at going through the motions of Lent. I'm good at perfecting my penance (notwithstanding my whining), sticking to it, and emerging on Easter Sunday...exactly the same as I began. And that kind of makes me feel like I'm missing the point. Shouldn't something about Lent change me? I mean, if I'm going to give up those precious minutes of sleep, shouldn't that have an impact on my life?

I want Lent to hurt a little more than usual. I want to feel the sting of self-denial. And not just for the sake of looking or feeling hard-core in my sacrifice. But because I want to be different at Easter.

I want to be a better wife. A better daughter. A better sister. A better friend. I want my heart to be ready for Easter. I want the reality of Christ's Passion, Crucifixion, and Resurrection to have a real impact on me. 

SOOOO much easier said than done. I know, because I pretty much say the same thing every year. And really...it sounds kind of cliché in a lofty ambition kind of way. 

But specifically this year, my prayer is that Lent will change me. That (albeit slowly) jumping out of bed to start my day will discipline this heart. That I'll actually take advantage of that extra time that I'm not sleeping and spend it in prayer. That I'll be more honest, real, vulnerable and silent with the Lord...and that I'll allow Him to change me for the better.

I don't expect to be a living saint by April 5th. But I hope and pray, by the grace of God, I'll be a few steps closer to Christ and slightly more the woman that He has created me to be. 

Hopefully writing this will make me feel guilty if I don't follow through. Good old Lenten peer pressure ;)