When It's Quiet

I love being with people. I'd say that comes from being one of nine kids, but that theory doesn't hold up with my introverted siblings. I love talking, and I talk a lot. I externally process, so I have to talk out my thoughts before I can really understand them.

But lately, I've found myself with a lot of good old-fashioned "alone time".

Which means it is quiet.

I have this tendency to fill quiet. Talking or singing or playing music or watching Netflix all become an instant go-to when I walk into an empty apartment. I'm especially bad when I'm in my car. I switch from station to station like its my personal life goal to find the perfect tune to match the 3.42 minutes it will take me to get to my destination. It's like I feel I need to "fix" the quiet. 

Why? Why is background noise (or foreground noise) so stinking important to me? Right this VERY instant I'm sitting on my couch. It's just me here, and I have music playing. It should be noted that I LOVE music. But...there is a trend that I've noticed the past several days. I'm very quick to fill the quiet.

Okay, I just turned the music off.

...

I can hear the little kids who live above us running around. Probably playing before bed. I can hear my laptop humming. And I can hear that it is quiet.

Quiet gives me a lot of time to think. To wonder, to worry, to dream to make decisions. It gives me a chance to spend time with me instead of spending time with The Lumineers, Parks & Rec or the Relient K guitar riff I'm trying to learn. And sometimes I forget the importance of spending time with myself and understanding where I'm at. 

I don't intend to, but sometimes I drown myself out. I automatically fill every minute. I don't just sit and read like I used to. I don't curl up on the couch with a cup of tea. (Now I'm starting to sound like a Jane-Austen-novel-character-wannabe). But for real. I love little moments. I love savoring the simple things. And yet, when I have the opportunity to do just that, I waste a couple hours watching tv shows on Hulu. 

So I'm challenging myself to spend a little more time in quiet. 

I don't want my life to be loud. I want to savor each moment. So I'm going to close my laptop and make some tea. I'll probably wash those dishes that I've been avoiding for a couple episodes of "What Not To Wear". And then I might read a book. Or maybe I'll just sit and drink that tea. 

After all...I'm Catherine. As soon as my roommate comes home or my fiance calls, I'll have more than enough words to say. So I'm going to do my best not to waste this quiet. 

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam,

Catherine

Life Isn't Fair, and I Don't Deserve This

Last week I was in a terrible mood for no good reason. Things seemed to be going wrong on every front. I was crabby and whiny and a general pain to be around. When things took longer than expected or my plans went askew I reacted like a five-year-old who doesn't get her way.  Unfortunately, it wasn't until Friday that I really became aware of just how ridiculous I was being. Somewhere deep inside of me, concupiscence was objecting loudly to the minor irritations of my week, striking up the age-old cry, "This isn't fair! I don't deserve this!"

My mother (wise as she is) would always caution us kids, "Life isn't fair." But somehow that nugget of wisdom managed to slip through the cracks of my mind and had no bearing on my expectations last week.

Nothing bad actually happened. And that's the thing, I can't even really give specific examples of what was bothering me...but I let my own selfishness dominate my actions. I felt entitled to having things go my way, or at the very least cooperate with my preferences. Where on earth did that come from?

And when I become selfish and feel entitled I forget to be grateful. 

I was being a brat and I had to change something. What were my expectations, and why weren't they being met? Why was I so crabby all week?

After some reflection, I realized I was right. This isn't fair. I don't deserve this. But that is exactly what I had lost sight of.

I'm usually pretty good at recognizing the blessings in my life. People joke that I overuse the phrase, "I love my life!" But this past week I was really good at picking out all the difficulties and little crosses that the Lord was good enough to put in my path. Because the thing is, He has a much better grasp on my need for humility than I do.

You see, I'm being reminded that I need to be grateful for the good in my life. Because I don't deserve it. The good in my life is abundant beyond what I deserve. The Love that I have experienced surpasses my greatest hopes. Time after time God has been faithful in providing for me (and let me assure you, that isn't because I earned it).

And this gratitude is crucial because that's what keeps me humble and reminds me that God is God and I am just Catherine. While I was busy focusing on the thorns in my week, God had a much bigger theme in mind for me. Per usual, it was exactly what I needed. I need to be aware of all this good. I need to be grateful for my life, my family, my job, my fiance (who has been unwaveringly patient with his future wife and loves me so well)...I even need to be grateful for the difficulties and the struggles. Because without them, I wouldn't be aware of how blessed I truly am.

Yeah, life isn't fair and I definitely don't deserve this. And Praise God.


Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam,
Catherine