Life Isn't Fair, and I Don't Deserve This

Last week I was in a terrible mood for no good reason. Things seemed to be going wrong on every front. I was crabby and whiny and a general pain to be around. When things took longer than expected or my plans went askew I reacted like a five-year-old who doesn't get her way.  Unfortunately, it wasn't until Friday that I really became aware of just how ridiculous I was being. Somewhere deep inside of me, concupiscence was objecting loudly to the minor irritations of my week, striking up the age-old cry, "This isn't fair! I don't deserve this!"

My mother (wise as she is) would always caution us kids, "Life isn't fair." But somehow that nugget of wisdom managed to slip through the cracks of my mind and had no bearing on my expectations last week.

Nothing bad actually happened. And that's the thing, I can't even really give specific examples of what was bothering me...but I let my own selfishness dominate my actions. I felt entitled to having things go my way, or at the very least cooperate with my preferences. Where on earth did that come from?

And when I become selfish and feel entitled I forget to be grateful. 

I was being a brat and I had to change something. What were my expectations, and why weren't they being met? Why was I so crabby all week?

After some reflection, I realized I was right. This isn't fair. I don't deserve this. But that is exactly what I had lost sight of.

I'm usually pretty good at recognizing the blessings in my life. People joke that I overuse the phrase, "I love my life!" But this past week I was really good at picking out all the difficulties and little crosses that the Lord was good enough to put in my path. Because the thing is, He has a much better grasp on my need for humility than I do.

You see, I'm being reminded that I need to be grateful for the good in my life. Because I don't deserve it. The good in my life is abundant beyond what I deserve. The Love that I have experienced surpasses my greatest hopes. Time after time God has been faithful in providing for me (and let me assure you, that isn't because I earned it).

And this gratitude is crucial because that's what keeps me humble and reminds me that God is God and I am just Catherine. While I was busy focusing on the thorns in my week, God had a much bigger theme in mind for me. Per usual, it was exactly what I needed. I need to be aware of all this good. I need to be grateful for my life, my family, my job, my fiance (who has been unwaveringly patient with his future wife and loves me so well)...I even need to be grateful for the difficulties and the struggles. Because without them, I wouldn't be aware of how blessed I truly am.

Yeah, life isn't fair and I definitely don't deserve this. And Praise God.


Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam,
Catherine