NOTE: This is Part 2 of this blog post...if you missed Part 1, you can find it here.
That poem I was given in 2008 rocked my world. It opened me to truths I hadn't realized, and convicted me to make concrete decisions in my pursuit of self-discovery and holiness. I realized I needed to choose my faith, that I needed to know God in order to know who I was called to be, and that God had a plan for me. A good plan.
But the wonderful and difficult thing about growth is that it implies change. I am not personally the biggest fan of change. Er, let me rephrase. I have a really difficult time with change. But since God is God and I'm a slow learner, He has been generous in giving me plenty of mind blowing truths to transform my heart and mind and prepare me for the good He has in store.
One such moment happened a couple of years ago. I was having a conversation with a few other people, including a very wise man I happen to know who was talking to the rest of us (all single) about marriage. We were talking about how to find "The One"...that ambiguous and elusive "perfect match"...*cue the violin music, in strolls Mr. Tall, Dark & Catholic* And this wise individual said one of the most shocking things I'd ever heard.
"Oh no, it's not like there is one person you are destined to marry."
WaitI'msorrycomeagain...WHAT?!
In the middle of this conversation I got really quiet and my mind started racing. But what about that "I desire to have you both ready at the same time" stuff? What about "the most thrilling plan existing"?? God doesn't have a plan for my future husband?
So yes, I might have panicked a little bit. And the other singles in the group seemed to have the same reaction. Shock. Confusion. Disbelief. Noobs, all of us.
But we decided to poll a few more opinions. We asked another knowledgeable married person. Who gave us the same answer.
Why did this terrify me? Because up to that point, I felt that I had to DO the right things, follow the predetermined path to find my soul mate. So if I didn't have a soul mate, how was I supposed to find the man I was supposed to marry? And that didn't sound romantic. I was scared.
I definitely had to take this to prayer. But after reflection and over the course of several months, my heart started to change. I realized that God did have a plan for me, but that it might look different than I had originally thought. I have heard it said (in a loose translation of a quote by St. Augustine) "Love God and do what you want." Meaning, if we love God and seek Him with all our heart, and make decisions according to the commandments He has given us, then we will be in line with His will. Which means...that far from being unromantic, God gives us the freedom to choose. God loves us enough to give us free will...to enable us to love. Because, without free will and the ability to make choices for ourselves, we are incapable of choosing to love.
This is actually a concept that has been swirling around a lot lately...and this blogger explains it far better than I can! When I came across her article a few months ago, these thoughts finally solidified in my head.
And THAT was when I was able to reconcile this concept that we don't have soul mates with the truth that God does a plan for us.
Because God does want to give me that "love far more wonderful than anything you can imagine". And He has. But not at all in the way that I planned or expected. God knew the desires of my heart better than I did, and He has given me a man far more wonderful than any guy I ever imagined. This man chooses to love me every day, just as I choose to love him.
I'm so grateful that I didn't fall in love the way that I thought I would. It wasn't an instant "Aha!" moment...it was lots of little moments...moments that I'm going to treasure forever. It has been an experience of learning how to love this man who will be my husband, and learning to open myself to receiving his love. Its more romantic than any chick flick love story because it is real and authentic love. Love that is a choice.
And most beautiful of all is that I know that this man's love is never going to be enough for me. I know he will love me and care for me and honor me for the rest of our lives. But it can never be enough on its own. Because it isn't intended to be. There is another Love far greater...and that is the Love that will bind us together. That is the Love that both of us have to be lost in if we want to love each other.
This is the mystery that I am beholding in my own life right now. The faithfulness of our God who knows the desires of our hearts and satisfies them in ways beyond our wildest imaginations. "I AM GOD. Believe and be satisfied."
Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam,
Catherine
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